Thursday, November 19, 2009

Bad Fruit

I am agonizing over what I now think may have been a bad decision I made 12 hours ago. Bad decisions are often fruit of impulse, something I have been battling since I turned 18 (up until that point I didn't see anything wrong with being O-so-romantically impulsive).

My prayer life has been shoddy of late. I can't even follow up the simple, easy-to-follow, but very nerve calming Little Book of Hours which I bought from a convent gift shop a month ago. Sloth. Avoidance of going to confession. What did I expect.

I really should go to bed. I have to get up early to drive 30 miles to the adoration chapel for my 7 to 8 shift. I'm going to get some sleep, leave all the "should have," "would have"s behind, at least till I wake up. I'll have an hour to meditate on them. I will bend, twist, turn upside down, my face, in order to look the pride, vanity, anger, sloth, stinginess, straight in the eye. The bad fruit-sowing, will-stealing dark masters. I might squirm, but will not look away. I don't know if I can follow the hard exam with some corrective action. That may be asking too much right now.

Because I'm still stingy at heart.

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